I have a deeply supportive and remarkable family, meaningful friends, two therapists, 43 medical doctors, a good enough higher power belief as I have come to know She, He, It, or They, and multiple opportunities for community service. I have a sacred family lake place, charmingly cobbled together, in need of an attentive yet long-deferred maintenance plan.
A laundry list of symptoms keeps reminding me of my deeply flawed nature and health.
Do I have secrets? Are they sitting in wait to appear when I am healthy enough? Am I strong enough to face them? Have I tucked them away and drowned them over the years hoping they would go away? Maybe.
Slowly, with time and sobriety, they are beginning to surface. At the end of the day when my head finally hits my pillow, they come knocking at my door asking to be embraced and allowed to roam. Can I do it? Can I get past the emotional paralysis?
Mr. Sponsorpants reminds us,”…just remember that at the end of every day, when your head hits the pillow, if you didn’t drink or use or kill yourself then you win, and all the rest of it will just have to work itself out…”
and then there are those of us who
“…Sometimes, too, it’s not about their constitutional capability but that there is a secret. Something that they are not ready to share or face, and until that comes out into the light it will be the source for a relapse cycle. (Past trauma, current indiscretion, whatever)…”
and sadly the following devastation can obliterate wonderfully woven together lives ~ lives that tried to start again, and perhaps again. Now they must start again ~ sometimes without knowing how these things manifested within their journeys…
…I have seen people have a run of sobriety which unearthed something buried by alcohol and that poisonous memory can overwhelm them for a while. (If that’s the case….being in treatment is a good place for that to potentially get handled.)”
~ Mr. SponsorPants
We begin again after exposing, shaking and facing our demons of secrets.