One Lacerated Facade

As a lover of all fine arts and a classically-trained dancer/educator, I simultaneously fall in love with, nurture, bow down to, and despise all addictive behaviors. While I don’t find comfort with alcohol it is when I turn 50 that the deck seems stacked.

Tortured allergic reactions, lifelong depression, a stroke at 42 years of age, childhood post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) coupled with severe lead poisoning after being conceived and birthed in a war-torn land while coping with exposure to radiation in utero, a genetic mutation (MTHFR) conducive to alcoholism, various medical surgeries using narcotics, a panic disorder involving syncope from atrial fibrillation, and a dissociative disorder causing broken family ties and mangled friendships to be littered across the tarmac of my life.

Abdominal surgery at 50 years of age culminates in a ceaseless craving for alcohol. This is combined with relocating to north-central Florida into a completed cottage my father had designed which includes a safe room/bomb shelter attracting mold spores. The surgery rules out any alcohol use ~ however, no one knows until I and a boldly relentless medical team discover it 18 years later.

Added to this is the research supporting evidence of black mold toxicity (CIRS) growing in my lungs and rampantly at my lake cottage, showing a compromised system allergic to mycotoxins, of which alcohol is comprised. Even my team of doctors is surprised at the research uncovered. After countless seizures, falls, and a traumatic brain injury, my higher power, and the Universe watch. Added to this we discern from current research an increase in suicide in patients of this particular abdominal surgery.

Working relentlessly through a facade of days riddled with bloodied cuts and scars, I rise.

While my precious family is totally and completely worn out, I am finally free.

Free.

And then…I am completely abandoned by my now-adult children. My heart is shredded. Yet the power of my God walks with me through the darkest tunnel of my life. One day, flowers will spring forth again.

Thank You, Dear Sister

(Spoken Word Presentation) Oh, Sister! Oh, Sister! Oh, Sister of mine…I am grateful to you. You are a Spirit Warrior. My only sister ~ I love hearing about your life on your ranch. I love that you are bold enough to walk away from a family of origin fraught with giant red flags. There […]

We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know

First Nation Creek Denouement

Knowing you are the elusive butterfly and heaven knows what I am your guess is as good as mine I ponder to understand the meaning of happiness especially after “dos Cuba Libre” I so miss our deep conversations where you pick my brain for information never released before. I do miss the rain and weather […]

From Egomaniacal to Selfless

What if the mental and emotional stability of our children begs us to love them from afar leaving them without us physically in their lives? What if their struggles are NOT EVEN ABOUT US, their self-involved egomaniacal relatives? Let them go ~ let them go with the freedom to return one day with a deep […]

A World of Possibilities

What if… What if the world’s chaos and divisiveness have been presented all along with differences more “in our faces” due to technology’s instant feed? What if we must allow “the sea to come in” instead of blocking it as we have done for centuries, thus allowing the sea to become freely-moving and fresh for […]

Chosen

I remember My brother Your heart when confronted with harshness Your athleticism in the face of victory or loss The way you squint your eyes just a bit when needing more information Your kitchen dance when sneaking food as you walk past a prepared dish for a formal family dinner, smiling the whole way Your […]

Hush. Then Do It.

~ I am 12 years-old ~ Yes. Just hush. Just do it. Just make all those voices go away. Before I go ~ forgive Give all resentments to my higher power ~ Might I have garnered my father’s adoration in a way that upended my mother’s stability? Might this have caused confusion and disregard […]

Yet Another Dragon to Slay

~ My first-born highly-gifted daughter, Kirsten Coeur, names this acrylic painting “Little Boy Blue Slays Dragon” ~ I live a privileged life surrounded by nature, free-roaming wild animals, pets filled with ideas for comedic stunts, and humans who are remarkable in their hopes for peace and kindness in this world. Today, after months of […]

The Divinity of Wind & Light

Always Finding my way Chasing until The wind ceases or The light fails or I fall down or I have a seizure or I become famished or I become thirsty or I black out Too thirsty to think To travel To love To endure Stop it. Fill up Begin again And again Do it. I […]

Modeling Authentic Resilience

As an educator for life, I remain on a quest to educate our youth using the following concepts: Acceptance of our struggles combined with a willingness to discuss them with family and professionals; Without The above choices, we are robbed of who we truly are and hope to become…compassionately resilient humans who nurture kindnesses […]

Addiction’s Hijacked Centerboard

My heart Ah, my beating yet broken heart Remembering the courage The fearlessness Her bold striving to stand up to society’s loss of its centerboard. A mother’s sorrow Narrowly alive with intense anger True anger fierce lioness anger At the thoughtlessness Of relapse’s effects On the brain On her son Her baby Her shining light […]

Water Stories of Hope

(Usually, at first light, I fall to my knees as I roll out of my sleeping bed full of family pets. They bring me such joy. I weep and whisper.) Namaste Universe, Great Spirit, God, Buddha, Gandhi, Jesus, & Krishna She He It They I Surrender I surrender I SURRENDER. I return to […]

Surrendering to the Promise of Hope

May I have this dance? The dance of babies seeming to be everywhere at once? Laughter is squealing from every room. Hope galore runs the gamut. Hmmm…yes! It is a time of unknown prospects. Our future is set, yet we know not how. When it later is upended and squelched, we are crestfallen, crushed, and […]

No Less Than Everything

The journey, dear God, it hurts deeply at times and at others, it is the top of the mountain. All I know to do is begin again. And again. And again ~ Until my death when I will rest with the angels and my dear Du. A child-bride of 16 with three children by twenty. […]

First, I Am Eastern Cherokee Nation

I identify with this Nation, and I am indeed Eastern Cherokee. I have the blood of my full-blooded great-grandmother (Cherokee society is matrilineal) who moved to North-central Florida with her Swedish husband and purchased the land upon which Duval County Metropolitan Area now sits. She did not travel the Trail of Tears. Her name was […]